A cold seeping liquid flows from the back of my skull, down my spine, and wraps its frigid slimy tentacles around my heart, paralyzing me. I begrudgingly great this stranger I once new so well a year ago, and have no choice but to let him back in my heart. A cold thick mist swells through the door behind him, fogging my vision from the good around me. I can no longer see the good.
It has been awhile since these feelings of depression have enveloped me. For a time I was busy with a boy a met over a year and a half ago. Our relationship had many imperfections, and there was more than enough blame to go around, but to familiarity we built up kept us coming back.
Last month during my birthday I helped him with a project. Working with him has never been easy, but those feelings of depression started to swell within me as the 16 hours drew on. The next day, after we slept together in his bed, and after I completely felt my love for him rejected, I just couldn’t see him any longer. Three days later, he put the blame for all the faults in his project on me. A weekend, a birthday, wasted on someone so ungrateful.
He was my weekend rock. He is what kept me from feeling like I wanted to end this 26 year pathetic existence. And now that I’m alone, I’m left to all these thoughts with no one to talk to.
The people who I have talked to always tell me, “You can do better,” and “You just need to find someone else.” However, these are the same people who when I call and text for company on the weekends, their voices go silent, and I’m left feeling even more alone than I had previously.